It is said, women don’t want relationships; they want projects. We’re referring to the old conundrum: you’re dating a guy, you love the way he smells, tastes and the feel of his body. But you want to change certain facets of his personality.
You want to draw out his hidden potential and mold him into your version of the ideal man you know he could be and you know he will want to be, since you love him that much.
You decide the heck with compatibility; love is enough. Seriously?
When was the last time you loved a man into changing anything?
For the best outcome, quit trying to change your man and change the man you’re with!
Are we compatible enough to survive the test of time?
Females generally don't appear to have a good grasp on compatibility in relationships. You look for compatibility in your preferences; you don't search for compatibility in your principles. In essence, you are attracted to the package, but fail to look inside the box.
Physical compatibility is like the litmus test for relationship survival. At first, energy levels are running on high, a deluge of feel-good chemicals saturate your brain and you think - WOW – he is fan-frickin'-tastic!
Once the honeymoon phase passes, true sexual natures emerge. Sexual appetites differ. The vanilla is uncomfortable when her partner expresses his kinky side.
Frequency of desire is a big concern, if one partner desires sex more or less often than the other. When once a day and twice on Sunday trickles down to once a week, then twice a month, the sexually frustrated partner typically looks outside the relationship for satisfaction.
Variety could become an issue if one person is totally satisfied with the missionary position and the other wants to work through the Karma Sutra.
Let's not eschew affection. Every human needs a source of constant physical stimulation. Hugs release oxytocin, aka "the cuddle hormone", making you feel warm and adored.
However, if your partner is only affectionate when he wants sex, he is not displaying honest affection.
Intellectual compatibility is all about a congruent meshing of dreams, opinions and worldviews. Your IQs need not match perfectly. Although if you're a high-level executive, you probably wouldn't be ecstatic with a guy you have to spell and define words for.
Here is where some people get confused. You and your man aren't required to share identical interests! Say, for instance, you're the artsy type and he's captivated by world history. If you and he can carry on healthy discussions about each other's passions, you complement each other intellectually.
Spenders and Savers
Couples counselors agree that more couples squabble about finances than any other issue. It's a huge mistake to get married without having a serious discussion about money. If your guy is a spender and you are a saver, you may be reduced to hiding money, so that he can't spend the mortgage payment on his toys.
When the two of you have differing philosophies about money, compromises may not come easily. He leaves the lights on in every room. You hand him a $2.00 off coupon for peanut butter and he buys the most expensive brand instead. If he doesn't have cash, he'll charge that must-have motorcycle on the credit card.
You need to treat this type incompatibility seriously. We know a married couple who bickered off and on for ten years about his irresponsible spending habits. One day he came in the door and hollered – Hi Honey! I'm home! Guess what --- I just bought us a circus!
Are you considering an interfaith (bride and groom practice different religions) marriage? A study performed by Evelyn Lehrer, economist revealed that 40% of marriages between Christians and Jewish partners end in divorce within the first five years.
Statistics say all mixed-faith marriages rack-up higher divorce rates than those where partners have the same religious practice.
It is essential that both of you respect each other's religious preferences and be prepared for a great deal of compromising. Before committing to a mixed-religion marriage, several heart-to-heart discussions are in order.
Religious compatibility is an area where love is definitely not enough.
Shall we take a crash course on lifestyle compatibility? Let's look at the lyrics of "Let's Call the Whole Thing Off", written by George and Ira Gershwin. Essentially, the song is a monologue about "I" and "you".
"I" points out several of their lifestyle differences such as: "You like tomato and I like tomahto…"
The last verse is about compromise. It seems the "I" person likes scallops and the "you" partner prefers lobsters. "I" says, "No contest…" and they get lobsters.
Ultimately, both agree to, "call the calling off off".
The song is also a testament that opposites attract.
Now, we do believe relationship compatibility important, but it's not the be all, end all either. Especially if the two of you share sizzling chemistry.
Chemistry is the mysterious magic that occurs when two people are intensely attracted to each other. All those feel-good, love chemicals – norepinepherine, dopamine, phenylethylmine - are doing the happy dance in their brains.
Bar none, chemistry is the most important aspect in any relationship. Do not interpret this to mean that chemistry alone will sustain your relationship. That's the equivalent of erroneously believing love will conquer all.
Common interests also play a starring role in relationship compatibility. Not that you must be attached at the hip with Velcro, but participating in activities and hobbies together does help solidify the relationship.
When little incongruence's start piling-up, could be you're incompatible. You read everything from best sellers to cereal boxes and he reads the comics. You could dance until two in the morning and his bedtime is 10:00 PM. He's an extreme sports enthusiast and you prefer watching old movies on TV. You eat fruit and veggies and he's a steak and potatoes kind of man.
Can love keep you from calling the whole thing off?
Core Values Compatibility
Some things never change; core values are one of those things. Your religious or spiritual beliefs, your stance on integrity and fidelity, your decision making process, your attitudes about money, are deeply ingrained inside you. They make-up the person in the mirror called "you".
Honesty in a relationship is not an entitlement, it's a right. Both partners have the right to expect gut-level honesty in day-to-day dealings. It is acceptable to conceal those things that would cause pain to your person, such as details about that party where a kiss "almost" happened between you and a previous lover.
Loyalty is knowing that you have each other's backs. It's an inner-certainty that you can count on each other through good and bad times.
Tread with caution when you and your partner's core values aren't harmonious, chances that the relationship will grow and prosper are slim to none.
Are We Compatible Socially?
As time rocks on, you may find that you and that fan-frickin'-tastic guy do not move in similar social circles. He's blue collar, barbeque and beer; you're business suit, fine dining and champagne brunches.
You rarely agree on anything. Bowling isn't your idea of a Saturday night date; he's never seen a ballet and doesn't own a tux. You don't enjoy the same movies, read the same books or listen to the same music.
Also, do either of you speak negatively about the other to friends and family? "He always…" "She never…" It's wise to defer to the old adage and say nothing if you have nothing good to say.
A recent school of thought touts that compatibility in relationships is overrated and supports the theory that opposites attract. They contend that compatibility is not predestined, rather it is a choice.
Maybe so, but if you choose this type relationship, be aware you'll live in chaos management mode. And when you're the one who always caves in to "keep the peace", it will get tiresome soon.
We continue to advocate relationship compatibility for couples who are in it for the long-haul.
Thanks for reading Are We Compatible. We'd love to hear what you think in the comments below!